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michelle...your belle

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(strip until you're true)

i stumble over thoughts of you [19 May 2005|04:54pm]
i hate goodbyes.
i hate endings.
i hate change.
i hate this.
i hate you.

im scared. im actually terrified. im disgusted with things i have been hearing and seeing and feeling. i dont know if summer will be good for me. but i know one thing for sure...i dont want to be a senior. i am not ready to say goodbye. at all.

i have nothing here left to regret. but i do wish i could start over this semester and do things a little differently. who knows where i would be right now though. i probably wouldnt have you as good as i do. i dont want you to leave this summer.

here to the class of 2000whatever. i hope you had the time of your life. and to us finishing off our four years...lets make it the time of our lives.

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps calling and I keep on falling
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standing in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

****my coach always tells us - leave it all on the court. regret nothing.
well heres to no regrets...

(strip until you're true)

i'd go to my knees for you [18 May 2005|03:45pm]
i hate but love wanting you.
it tears me up inside.
i think i like it.

want me back.
you wont regret it.
ok good.

(strip until you're true)

let me stay where i am damn it. [17 May 2005|10:21pm]
[ mood | fricken happy ]

im happy.
IM happy.

so i think i shall not tamper with anything.

i feel like a little stubborn five year old brat.
but i am a brat. i know it. bleh.

i hate wanting things i cant have.
but at the same time i love it.
maybe cuz its safe
maybe cuz i kno ill never deal with anything that way
maybe cuz im a perfectionist
maybe cuz im screwed in the head.

oh well im great.
im happy.
id rather leave everything be and just stay perfectly happy.

PS---i love ALLLLLLLLL my friends so freakin much.
it better fuckin stay this way over summer or i would die.
i love you all. each and everyone of your hot selves.

(4 naked | strip until you're true)

im open your closed [16 May 2005|07:29pm]

im sittin here thinkin about all the times i let you get to me. and all the times i got to you. and all the times we screwed each other over. as soon as  i convinced my heart i was better off your picture entered my mind once again. i could remember the taste of your lips. and they way you made me believe your lies. hope is lost for anything more than you proving me a fool once again. well its simple i suppose - why i was the one worth leaving. i hate how when i think about everything that should be or shouldve been i lose grip on everything else that is goin on. i find myself running away again. backing myself into a corner. pushing everything good away from me. you would never know. but you kill me.

i have one constant in my life right now. and that would be you. you are amazing. i thank you for being such a great person. you have been a life saver. epecially when i needed it most. i wish i could put into words more what im trying to say. but i cant. i never can. its weird how one hello can be the cause of all this...

Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

(strip until you're true)

your palms are sweaty and im barely listening to your last demands [12 May 2005|10:37pm]
i could not just let this journal
fade away and lose its existence
its the story of my life from the past year
i am much too attached

you are beautiful
i am unfortunate
i have kept this frozen image of us
locked in my heart

(4 naked | strip until you're true)

i got soul but im not a SOLDIER [20 Apr 2005|04:27pm]
i wish i didnt have a photographic memory.
then i wouldnt have to see all these things in my mind.

i have lost my sense of judgement.
and yesterday i bought a one-way ticket to hell. joy.

(strip until you're true)

behind these eyes [19 Apr 2005|09:53pm]
officially had my first anxiety attack.
i would be rather appreciative if i never had one ever again.
if you weren't in the car i would probably have found a cliff to drive off of. so thank you for having to witness that. (and im sorry as well...)

tonight was definitely interesting.
odd and almost unbareable but good...?

i have come to loathe that touch.
that smell. that look. those eyes.
it makes my skin crawl. just the thought makes me sick.
ironically the phone saved me this time. hmmm...

still a little weirded out by the tank and the scary amounts of undercover cops. thought they caught me for a second...haha.

giving blood today felt good. i feel like for once in a long time i have accomplished something worth while. i mean its still possible that could get ruined. i wont go into details. but for right now i feel a little better about myeslf.

oh wait that was shot to hell also today.

bad. bad. bad. me. shoe shopping turned into a disaster!
not only did i not get shoes. i used shoe money for clothes.
which i definitely didnt need. that was just bad.
i think that partly led up to the anxiety attack...sigh.

i need need need this weekend.
not the prom part. the party part.
warning i will have one hall of a hangover on monday.
so dont mess. hahaha.

(3 naked | strip until you're true)

[18 Apr 2005|09:23pm]
giving blood tomorrow.
scared out of my mind.

shoe shopping and game??
yes i think soooo.
we shall we shall!

this week might be manageable.

hhehehe jonny called. hehehe.
left me a cute message.

this weekend is going to be such a party weekend.

i love you allllll soo much.

fuck. fuck. fuck. semester project due wednesday...
havent even started. im sooo excited!
our group is so fucked. woooohooooo. ihatebecker. alot.

(6 naked | strip until you're true)

[17 Apr 2005|08:14pm]
is it possible to feel awkward with just thinking about someone. because its usually just awkward feelings when your with certain people or if certain things happen. but is it possible just to feel completely awkward and uncomfortable just thinking. if not what is this feeling then?

i feel hung over. didnt drink or anything last night. and i never get hangovers when i do. but i feel like complete hell and want to just sleep for a few days. but if i miss anymore school i wont get credit for classes. fuck it all. damn it detention next weekend...great fabulous fun! eww cant even think about next weekend. makes me want to throw up.

ive been thinking a lot about love lately...i think its quite a funny thing. well not funny. interesting i guess. i dont really know a word to describe it besides love. but seeing the two of them together just standing in my room holding hands was love. the way they look at eachother. and the way he talks about her and tells me things about her. how can he find it and hes younger than me and im here by myself with no hope. but then i think about it more. and start realizing that love is easily confused with lust. very easliy confused with it. i see lust mistaken for love everyday. that terrfies me. because i am easily mistaken and easily fooled. lust or love...sigh.

im losing weight and some body heat...so deep that i didnt even scream, fuck me

(1 naked | strip until you're true)

we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow [17 Apr 2005|09:56am]
well i found my prom dress.
i like it. but im not too sure how i feel.
i just sigh when i see it. (not because of the dress...)

i forgot how at ease i feel with her.
its an awkward feeling but i sort of miss it.

so i wake up this morning and i cant even lift up my own head. at first i thought that maybe i was paralized but then i remember i have massive whip lash. but you would think it would get better after a few days. no definitely worse. i dont think volleyball helped too much. it actually made it worse obviously. and the worst thing is that i cant tell my mom why it hurts because im pretty sure i would be in deep shit if she found out what really happened. so by the time i realized all that im sitting in my bed crying because i cant move and i cant explain to my mom why it hurts so bad. and now i will be getting a big fucking shit load of crap from my coach. because not only did i miss practice its the practice right after our not so good tournament that i am missing. fuck. karma is such a fucking bitch.

im realizing more and more how i dont think i can move away from certain people. i would go insane without them. i cant even go to phoenix without having a near anxiety attack because i couldnt talk to them or anything.

ps. im jealous. and i hate being jealous. but im so jealous of you because you deserve this more than anything and i hope it works good. and i wont let you run away. im jealous of your ability to find happiness. teach me. i love you.

(2 naked | strip until you're true)

can i just have one taste of your lips [16 Apr 2005|01:28am]
i needed tonight so bad. i needed you so bad.
thank you. i had an amazing time. even if it was in a parking lot.
hey you never know what could happen in one of those. "only one in the hole at a time please" hehehehe. i love you.

i so deserve this fucking whip lash. deserve it terribly. sigh at least everything else was alright...if you know what i mean. hahaha. its going to be hell tomorrow at the tournament but hey..i deserve it. but its worth it. everything we do is soo fucking worth it. in a hot car too! heck yes.

will someone plesae call me tomorrow and just talk with me.
i dont like being away from everything and everyone.
i hope i can handle it. god im getting so atached to people lately.
i dont like it. its not healthy. but i cant live without their good in my life...even for a day. please just call me and let me know you here. i love you all a lot.
ps you should call and wish me luck any how (on my dress finding and game playing)

i wish i could sleep. but my neck hurts. my knees burn. and my heart aches. it will be a long night.

ps this weekend and wek will be a long one.

(9 naked | strip until you're true)

your lips are so very irresistable [15 Apr 2005|06:02pm]
she tells me i am beautiful and funny
and is surprised at my current status
i wish i could agree with her.

if i saw you i think i might throw up in your face.

you make me sick. get your head on straight and stop being
a shit head and messing with people. especially her.

dont ever fucking mess with her. i hate seeing her sad/upset/depressed/anything but happy... so to anyone who would have enough fucking guts to make her sad or any of the above i will personaly see to it that it gets taken care of. i love her too much for anyone to add on to everything thats already going on. so fuck off.

i get my prom dress tomorrow...wish me luck.
it will probably be the most depressing event.
just having to think about prom is. the only reason that im going is rico.

(strip until you're true)

[14 Apr 2005|05:26pm]
i feel so warm and relaxed. but i have tense, cold hands.
i feel healed and relaxed. but i have an open wound.
i feel unbroken and complete. but i am in a million pieces.
i feel suitable and modest. but i am flawed and bent.

yet i am prefectly fine with where i am.
that concerns me and calms me.

i dont have a place to sit.
i dont have a place to breathe.
but im going to sit down and breathe right where i am at because it only seems fitting. so fuck you if you dont like it.

(6 naked | strip until you're true)

[13 Apr 2005|06:51pm]
more and more i am beginning to feel a little more at ease
with myself

and my heart is learning to be quiet and alone
and my soul is learning how to feel good feelings again
and my reflection is showing more honesty every day
and i am content.

(strip until you're true)

i think i will just sit for awhile [11 Apr 2005|04:37pm]
my heart just sank deeper

i cant remember how to breathe

(2 naked | strip until you're true)

the villian always gets the girl [11 Apr 2005|01:13am]
craving my bed
craving you
craving these thoughts
craving your touch
craving the feeling of pain
craving the feeling of feelings
craving my addictions again
craving my bad bad addictions
craving this hatred
been craving to say fuck you but the words wont leave my mouth

i think i need sleep
shouldnt be needing all this shit
my head is definitely not on right
my pillow is calling my name but i refuse to answer
because i know once i start dreaming it will end up a nightmare
its always been like that- especially with you

i got soul but im no soldier.

shes right something is wrong. nothing explains it self. weight loss. cant eat. cant sleep. nothing feels right. i hate how we are such alike. because i know your pain exactly. and i wish you didnt go through what i go through. you dont deserve it. i love you too much for that.

(3 naked | strip until you're true)

[10 Apr 2005|09:49pm]
lets see...i have a recipe.

add one lab thats due tomorrow and has to be like 18273912732 pages
add a grande coffee
add A.D.D.
add 3232456456213 distractions
add parents that are out of town
add did i mention caffine

wanna know what you would get?
ME!!! duh betcha didnt see that one coming did you?
now do you really think i would be doing my homework...dont be silly.
oh man this is bad..last time i drank coffee this late i went to sleep as the sun was rising. soooo excited....

ps im going to hell...and i have a shitload of karma coming my way...did i mention that im going to hell...?

(4 naked | strip until you're true)

im so far gone now ive been runing on empty [10 Apr 2005|12:29am]
awkward night.
memory lane- thats a good one.
many others things just weird and out of place
i dont know if i like it yet

What makes us burn every bridge we cross?
Or walk aimlessly into oncoming traffic?
Third times a charm, but would we even get that far?
Though I owed it to everyone, but I really owe it to myself

(strip until you're true)

just knock me out [09 Apr 2005|05:21pm]
"so wait if the second biosphere is in tucson wheres the first biosphere then?" hahah gotta love those crazy kairos kids. lmao.

so i left and came home to an empty house.
havent talked to any of them today. i feel SO loved.

had the most wonderful surprise today. i was driving home and talking with jasmine. and guess what i found! hot boy in black beamer left us his number on my window. heck yes. couldnt read the numbers too well but hey a few tries and im sure we'll figure it out. hahahaha. yesterday was amazing. at the gas station and then in the parking line for fucking spring fling. ha driving in was the best part.

ACTs are the worst invention ever. i think testing in general is. i refuse to take them over if i have to. so fucking stupid. id rather stay in state then take them again.

just put me out of my fucking misery someone please. so last night was eh. i mean i got to be with her. thats always fun. but at the same time it sucked balls. too much stupid shit going on. just get over it puhlease. first all that fucking line waiting and shit gave me a headache. then i had to fucking track down the brother. who fucking walks out to river thinking im parked out there. i think i lost my voice trying to talk to him. or it was more of a yelling at eachother and him hanging up on me 2187321973192 times. i dont get why we're not getting along anymore. it was good for awhile. and now its fucking stupid. i hate it. car ride home after dropping his friend off was fucking torture ONCE again. so i had a massive migraine and back/knee pain and just wanted a drink. but no nothing could go my way. mom was sitting in the kitchen (at 1 in the morning) reading....bleh. sigh...fuck it. i think she can read my mind sometimes. eh so i popped 8 tylenol. and fell asleep fine.

(2 naked | strip until you're true)

fucking over the fucking drama (sorry for the foul fucking language..not) [07 Apr 2005|11:00pm]
well well well. i dont know what to say anymore. i was put in a bad mood by this person ONCE again. i get so damned frustrated and annoyed. haha dont think its you. wouldnt give you the time of day to piss me off. i was fine then i was nice and tried to see if you were alright and talk because i never do. yeh that got shot to hell. but hey whats new that always goes down like that.
ive been trying to be all smiles lately because im sick of being otherwise. but its hard. because im lying to myeslf. im slowing dying and being eaten away inside. see here i am lying to myself and people again. more and more like this person everyday. and it makes me completely miserable. so i laugh my uncomfortable laugh and smile my sick smile and get on with a sad life. there is only one exception to this...and well thats you. because i truly laugh my ass off with you. how can i not. thats the only thing that makes me happy. is just sitting with you. cutting up cows and fish and reading STD pamphlets for our...you know...presentation.

i cant stand that no one even looks at me in the halls anymore. you would walk by as fast as possible if i didnt stop you. i would be invisible if it was in your power. i would be gone if it was in your power. atleast just say fuckng hello to me and act like you fucking care. for once. you wont even read this. you would probably ignore it. so whatever. im done. im fuckng done with everyones fucking shit!

im leaving soon. but ive been gone for awhile now. emotionally and mentally gone. so thank you. for giving me all your fucking shit. i realized today that im so fucking happy in this area now. haha and i heard the same thing twice in a row from two different people. and they are so fucking right!

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